[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
yall want some gasoline milk
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
no their not
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
NASA has no chill
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.