Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid