Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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