Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no