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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
And bowling should be called pinball
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.