Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Don’t tell me what to do
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Möther may I have a snäck
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.