We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
live, laugh, laundry.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*