Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.