Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
#Caturday
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes