ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.