[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.