“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
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To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time