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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My time has come.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.