My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
ibopfufen
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.