[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package