I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
greetings!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever