Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers