I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
brian had himself a morning…
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Succinctly put.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Nice try, poison.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while