My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin