My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Remember folks 😂
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
How animals would run if they were human
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel