Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
#parenting
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Sing it!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.