I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
You Might Also Like
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants