(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
kitchen magnet
All generalizations are stupid.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Google reviews are always so mixed..
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”