Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through