Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.