Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?