[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Guy who likes music
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
#dnd #ttrpg
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.