Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.