I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I am never leaving this website
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead