ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
wow
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
No Google it does not
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.