If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.