“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings