I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*