Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*jingles half the way*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad