me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Shortcut
The internet is full of many things
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN