When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
dictator is short for richard potato
[montage of me giving-up]
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet