Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money