he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
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What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Twitter remains undefeated
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*