*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
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wtf is a larm clock?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Passwords are more important than ever.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that