Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
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Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
twitter users today:
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery