Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You Might Also Like
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
What the hell is going on?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Tammy is short for Tamuel
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house