professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
The glockness monster
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!