Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]