[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit