I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
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I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.