You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.