A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Is this you?
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
(Gaming support cat.)
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge