If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600