I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.