A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.